Really awful Jokes

Thought I'd create this for a laugh.
Its basically for any good/bad jokes that we have come up with to share with the rest of you. I'll kick things off:

Its ironic for me to make this joke because of the fact I suffer with depression but......


Q: What do you call a clinic for people who suffer with depression?


A: Les Miserables!




This one is about weight:



Q: How do you lose 5lbs?


A: Just take a fiver out of your pocket!

This one was emailed to me this morning

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

I didn't know whether to get my little cousin a pet or a toy for his birthday. So I compromised and bought him a Rattle-Snake!

Its bad enough to jilt someone at the altar...

...surely worse to send someone along who looks a bit like you.

I have many jokes, some are quite offensive...but then what joke isn't?

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...(Oh man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


After no dates or sex for five years, a women goes to see a Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang. He says "Harro! Take off all your croase, get down and craw reery, reery fast to other side of room". She does. "Ok" he says, "Craw reery, reery fast back". As she did, Dr Chang shook his head. "Your probrem vewy, vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease i ever sor, dat why you get no man". She said, "God! What is Ed Zachary disease?". Dr Chang sighed and said "It is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse".

I keep telling my girlfriend not to turn her head away near the end of a blow job, but it goes in one ear and out the other.

A Postman is retiring & on his last round, he gets a bottle from one house, cigars from the next, the third house Mrs Jones is waiting in her nightdress! She drags him upstairs, makes mad passionate love to him then brings him down for a huge fry-up. The postman see's a fiver under his cup & ask's "What's this?". Woman explains, "We were talking about what to get you & my husband said [Censored] him, give him a fiver! The breakfast was my idea!"

Fill the blanks...

1. BOO_S
2. _ _ NDOM
3. F_ _ K
4. P_N_S
5. PU_S_

Answers:
1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. FORK
4. PANTS
5. PULSE

May god bless you with a cleaner mind in 2011!

Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street, infront of the Fisherman's Friend pub. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said in a quiet Wispa. "I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he said. Then he touched her Creme Eggs. They checked into a hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way. He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic-Tacs. It was a Fab moment as she let out a scream of sheer Turkish Delight. Sadly three days later his Sherbet Fountain started to drip. It turns out that Ms Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had all sorts.


I tried to avoid posting the many offensive jokes that my phone is clogged up with.

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one

Who are the coolest people in a hospital?

The Ultra Sound Doctors.

"i was once asked if i like breasts or thighs. i replied, 'i prefer legs and ass'

..apparently, thats not an acceptible answer at KFC"

Q: Why is the book "women who love too much" a dissappointment to male readers?

A: No phone numbers.