The joke thread

[Beanz]

Right, being as a lot of people have lost their funnybone, i think we should have a joke thread.

Two rules:
1. It must be funny.
2. Only one joke at a time.

Incase any of you prudes can't find it, it's here by the way...




Right, i'll start...



/ba dum tsshhhh.

[Hainesy]

[cheese]Did you hear about the cross-eyed headmaster?

He couldn't control his pupils.[/cheese]

[Beanz]

[cheese]Did you hear about the cross-eyed headmaster?

He couldn't control his pupils.[/cheese]

I think it should be compulsory for women to wear makeup when driving...

... just so they'll look in the mirror occasionally.

*puts on flame suit in preparation for women's wrath*

[XPR Roadrunner]

Forza 5 Car list......speaks for itself lol


ok In all seriousness:

A proctologist says he is going to stop smoking. It's been 2 weeks and he's down to two butts a day!

[LMR Zakspeed]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Irishman then says, "If I get one more egg sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge."

The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die. At their funeral, the Englishman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like tuna." The Scotsman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like ham." The Irishman's wife says, "I don't understand it. He made his own sandwiches."

[LMR Deftone MX]

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

[theboomeranga]

Turn 10

thank you I'll be here all week

[theboomeranga]

Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

[theboomeranga]

Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?
A: He got Avogadro's number!

[theboomeranga]

Two men are hunting when one accidentally shoots the other.
He freaks out and calls 911 on his cell-phone:

"I just accidentally shot my friend while we were hunting! I think he's dead! What do i do?! What do I do?"

"Ok sir. Calm down. First let's make sure your friend is really dead. . . "

"Ok! Hang on! "

BANG!

"Ok. He's really dead. Now what?"

[Ax4x Kane]

Is this a no-holds-barred thread? Or are still unable to use cusses?

[LMR Zakspeed]

John is sitting in a bar atop a skyscraper sipping away at a pint of lager. Another man comes over and sits beside him and says:

"I bet you another beer that I can jump out that window and live."

John, who is almost finished his pint, agrees. The man jumps out the window. Not 30 seconds later he walks through the door, chuckling. John can't believe his eyes and buys the man a pint. A few beers later, John asks the man how he survived the fall. The man tells John that there are two massive fans near the ground and that if you position it right, you can float tonthe ground like a feather.

John bets the man that if he succeeds he'll give 50 quid. John agrees and suddenly leaps out the window.

Now at this point John is falling at about 70mph but he doesn't see any fa- SPLAT. There is a huge comotion and everyone rushes down except the Bartender and the man. With a giggle he says:

"Superman your some [censored] when you're drunk.

[Ax4x Bandit]

What is so awkward about locking your car keys in your car at an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

[Ax4x Kane]

[edited - sbiggs] language not per T&Cs

[Ax4x Mikey J]

Is this a no-holds-barred thread? Or are still unable to use cusses?

As far as I know, holds are barred on the entire site. No cusses permitted. Sorry.

Q: What's the difference between a flying saucer and an intelligent woman?

A: Some people claim to have encountered a flying saucer.

[theboomeranga]

aw man that's low haha

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Biggsy tv]

Guys, please be very careful on what jokes you put in here. I hate to be all "governmental" but they must conform to the communities T&Cs. I'm afraid this message will be enforced heavily for the next few days / weeks until things calm down.

On another note:

A Seal walks into a club.

[theboomeranga]

apologies Simon

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst

[theboomeranga]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

[Biggsy tv]

I like that one!

[theboomeranga]

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

[Ax4x Kane]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

[theboomeranga]

a man walks in to the bar carrying a slab of concrete, the bar tender asks what he would like to drink and he replies 'one for me and one for the road'

[theboomeranga]

when i'm down, i like to eat egg
because everyone likes a good yoke

[theboomeranga]

That I like

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